1.We all have the best of intentions for our children.

2. We wish to explore a different way to parent.
In order to enjoy and grow in our role as parent we can put our focus more on how we feel about ourselves in the journey of parenting.

3. We cannot change or control our children but we can respond to them differently.
As parents, we provide an environment that excerpts a powerful influence on our children.

Yet it is only one of many environments our children will experience.

There are no guarantees about how our children will fare, in their life, yet through the environment we provide, we can increase the possibility of them doing well.

4. We want to offer them the concepts of responsibility.
We are always responsible for our children's safety.

Their job is to find out how the world works. Ours is to show them. We can be available to them. We are not responsible for our children's behavior. They are. One of our jobs is to provide them with opportunities to learn that are consequences for their actions.

We can allow our children to make choices in order to learn responsibility.

Children can understand and remember.

5. We are parenting a new species of children.
And we seem to be a new species of parents. We are committed to turning out free, forward-looking children, with a positive sense of how they can live their lives, and how they can contribute to the community They seem to have more energy, more creativity, more passion, and more connection to source energy. There is much support for firm but loving limits. And most children (at least in America) no longer comply with being owned.

Attitude

1. Parent from well-being, rather than from negative energy.
Send positive attitude to our children. They might not deserve it right now but we do.

High energy sends well-being no matter how they are behaving. You will feel better and they will be receiving a more powerful invitation to be in their positive energy.

2. Transcend the ego-mind by learning un-attachment.
Forgive others, and ourselves and get on with positive parenting
We can never treat them less than we would have them treat us.
Let go of battling. Children always will the big battles. Be non-resistant.
    Grades: I will love you no matter how long it takes you to get through 6th grade.
    Drugs: That doesn't work for me. How do you see that working for you?

3. Be the Higher Consciousness Observer for them.
When our children become taken over by their inner monsters, they are not available to interact will with you. They feel like they are possessed, having a fit.Be the spiritual vessel for them. Just observe without attachment anything they do or say. Do not engage the resistance unless it is unsafe. Just watch and love them through it. Be a witness for their fit. Be the unattached witness for your child when they cannot

When it is over, talk about it. What was that? Did you notice how it took over? Admit and talk about your monster when the episode is complete in you.

4. We can learn to have fun while parenting.
Change perspective to see it as an opportunity for our spiritual growth as well as and invitation for theirs.

Find ways to make the opportunities more of a challenge than a duty.

Allow ourselves to have fun and not be threatened by what we can't control.

5. Parenting styles:
Overseers: Children learn they need help; often learn to be victim\rescuers.

Dictators: Children learn they are not good enough. Often learnt to become perpetrators.

Absentees: not available; Children learn to become unavailable.

Consultants: Children learn to be responsible, compassionate.

Action

1. Wait
Action follows attitude.

Try not to parent when you are upset. It is ok to wait till you feel better. Get consultation for yourself as necessary. Plan.

I am not sure what will happen, I am not in a good space right now. Try not to worry. No problem.

Raise energy level while waiting. Appreciate, accept, love. Now go back and parent.

Wait until they want something. Do not give it. Lots of empathy. Connect it to their past behavior. Own it all.

Oh sorry. I don't feel like playing a game right now. When you talked to me in a mean way a few minutes ago, I felt bad. I don't like playing games when I feel bad. Maybe later. Feel free to ask again.

2. Deperspnalize
Only you can personalize it. Here is how not to.

Say to yourself, this is not about me. My child is in the process of learning about something about themselves in the world. I have a teaching opportunity here. What would I like them to learn right now in this interaction with me?

Or, I am separate from my child right now. I am being invited to participate in her negative acting out and I am not willing to accept the invitation. I can love you right now and I am available to interact with you on my terms, not yours.

3. Make Eye Contact
Eye contact is spirit-to-spirit contact.

Insist, not demand, on it for ourselves, not them. Be in their face if necessary.

We do not communicate our message until we have eye contact. We can refuse to communicate until we ge t eye contact.When they want something, they will do whatever they have to do to get it, including making eye contact with us.

If it eye contact is broken in the middle of the message, get eye contact back and then begin again.

Call out their name to get their attention. We can say, I want you to look at me. I want you to look into my eyes while we are talking.

4. Make Physical Contact when appropriate
Touch is a basic need for our normal development. Find ways to touch your children often. Teach and use appropriate touch.

If we can't get a child's attention through eye contact alone, we add touch. Gentle but firm containment of the body is helpful until they are looking at us. At this point we release containment while they are paying attention. When they stop and turn away, we begin containment again. They will determine the amount of containment they need by how they respond to us. We can also hold the chin to move the child's face towards us.

We do not communicate the message to them until we have direct eye contact.

5. Set limits for ourselves.
Say what we will do rather than what we won't.

No hurry to set them. Children have memories.

Build their consequence into our limits.

Set limits that are enforceable for self without needing the cooperation of the other.

    I will be available to listen as soon as you are speaking as respectfully as I am speaking to you.

6. Enforce limits set for ourselves
Maintain the limit and do not weaken.

7. Inviting responsibility for the child
Put problem back on them:

    What are you going to do?

    What are you going to do about your anger?

    Do you have any ideas about what you can do differently?

    What do you think could be a solution for your?

    How do you see that working for you?

8. Child Learns Natural Consequences
Include a consequence to them in your limit for you.

    Waking them at night. Time all used up. Pay with toys.

    I am not up to eating desert tonight with children who are fighting.

State the consequence

Get contact first.

State the behavior: It is not ok with me to hear that language from you. Warnings don't usually work.

State the consequences: So what I am going to do is keep the TV off for a day.

When they react follow up with a good dose of compassion.

Be consistent, intermittent reinforcements is the most effective.

Be Positive: consequences can be fun and positive.

Consequences should fit the act:

Be creative:

Negotiable: Invite children to set their own consequences.

Consequences can be natural in that they happen automatically.

9. Responding
Ask questions rather than give advise.

Join with empathy.

    I can understand that, Thanks for sharing.

    Probably so. Possibly so. I don't know. How disappointing that must be.

8. Training sessions
Set up strategic plans for teaching responsibility.

Get help.

We can know a limit in advance.

9. Other Topics
Chores: Contribute as a community, rather than pay them.

Allowance: Use it to pay consequences. Bid on chores.

Return to the "Process Holding" page.

Return to the "Helping Your Children" page.