The occasion of some of the most profound changes to occur in our lifetime, adolescence can be a tough job. Here we are in the existential plane, our old identity fading into the past and a new identity beckoning. This new identity has antecedents in our childhood and in how we internalized our relationships with our caretakers and peers. At the same time the loom upon which we are weaving ourselves has become larger and is threaded with more fibers. There has been a broadening of scope of contact, ideas, and physical experience. We are available in a new way to mesh them with the earlier pattern. There is excitement about this process. However, there can also be some discomfort when we haven’t made a finished work of our values, beliefs, passions…as if it ever is really finished…let alone integrated into a functioning whole which guides and motivated us.

And do we adults sometimes contribute to the potential for adolescents to judge themselves harshly by pretending we are completed works of art, sure in our beliefs and knowing how things are supposed to be? What a refreshing experience for the adolescent to be related to as a co-author of his or her life, rather than an unfinished work to be critiqued. I see the main component of my work with adolescents is that of believing in them, and invite those around them to do likewise. As a parent, I have found this the most powerful influence I can offer. Our children deserve nothing less.

If your adolescent is troubled, there a process occurring which has to do with this 'between the worlds' experience: either something is being carried forward which no longer serves the developing personality, the beckoning new identity, or those around him or her are carrying something forward in relationship to the child. This can include no longer useful attitudes, beliefs, or behaviors on the part of the adolescent or of significant others.

Among the three main arenas of the adolescent's life, the discomfort is acted out primarily in the family and in school, while friends are perceived as co-conspirators and/or supporters. For the most part, peers are indeed a harbor for the teen, and often supply wisdom along with the support. Teens can be very good at using 'tough love' on each other. By finding occasion to observe them without judgment or agenda, we can learn a great deal about the way teens relate and learn to appreciate their fervent desire to get their ideas across. We can recognize they do listen and they do relate. We can recognize how much thinking they are doing and appreciate their wisdom as it arises.

In therapy adolescents have the opportunity to spend time with someone who does not have an agenda for them, which creates an environment where they are free to connect with themselves, resolve that which is unresolved, develop a conscious identity rather than a reactive identity, and develop belief in themselves via the therapist's belief in them.They can internalize new ways of perceiving experience, and wrap themselves around new ways of thinking about experience, thus creating new feelings...and therefore new experiences.

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